This silly bit of lunacy is set shortly after "In Sickness and In Hell",
thus I suppose those who haven't seen the episode yet might want to
save it for later. I just felt like knocking out something light and
goofy this morning.
Innuendo but nothing very explicit, m/m and f/f.
I don't own any of these characters, as much as I wish that I did. Yadda yadda yadda.
It was a beautiful warm, sunny afternoon, and finally Joxer was
starting to feel a bit more like himself again. The surface of the lake
sparkled and he slipped completely beneath it for a few moments, now
that he could do so without his stomach churning in response.
Gods, stomach flus were no picnic. Neither was dealing with Xena
and Gabby when they were sick, grumpy, peeling and oozing.
Those irate villagers threatening to stone him and the Scythian
warriors had almost been a walk through Elysia in comparison.
Joxer was certain it would take several weeks' worth of intensive
bathing to get all of the dirt, poo, stink, drool, and other fluids and
things he preferred to try to forget about off his body. Now that
Argo was safe and sound, and everyone was starting to pull
themselves back together, they'd hit the road again, but they were
still a little slower on their feet than usual. After a few hours
walking, Xena had decided they'd best take a rest for the
afternoon and camp out here in the woods, instead of trying to make
it to the next village by nightfall. While the girls settled in and
were discussing food options, Joxer had backtracked to the small
lake they'd passed a short distance back near the road. He wanted
to take advantage of the chance to clean up a bit before testing
whether his stomach was prepared to handle any solid food today. As
long as Xena didn't decide on catching and cooking up some fish,
he supposed he could handle it. There was something about the
thought of fish right now that was decidedly unappealing and
Like anything about the entire past week hadn't been nauseating.
He wasn't sure how long he'd let himself just relax in the soothing
waters, but eventually he figured he'd best get out before he risked
giving himself a chill. He climbed out of the lake and grabbed his
blanket, which he'd washed along with the rest of his clothes and
left to dry while he bathed. He used it to dry himself off,
then he reached for his pants to start getting dressed.
Most unexpectedly they vanished right out of his hand.
"You won't be needing those for a while."
He spun around at the familiar voice. "Ares!"
"Were you expecting someone else?"
"Um...I wasn't expecting anyone." He was more than a little
surprised by the visit, but not exactly unhappy about it. It felt like
a very long time indeed since he'd seen Ares...even longer since Ares
had given him that look, a look that was enough to start his
already weak stomach doing flip-flops and make his pulse quicken
Maybe this week was going to end on an upnote after all.
"I haven't seen you since, well, that whole business with Hope--"
The god grimaced. "Please. Don't remind me of that little bitch."
"But you and she--"
"I said, don't remind me." Ares stepped forward to place a
warning finger upon Joxer's lips. The mortal man had to suppress
the urge to shiver at the gentle touch. "There were things going on
there that you don't understand...let's leave it at that for now."
Joxer nodded slightly, not about to argue the point. The finger then
slipped from his lips, traveling on an agonizingly slow trail down
his neck. Ares' eyes followed his hand's path as he remarked
casually, "I watched you fighting the other day in that village, with
Xena and Gabrielle. I was impressed."
"You were?" Joxer asked with genuine surprise.
"Mmm. Far from graceful, but at least you didn't end up knocked
out, in a water trough, or up a tree hanging by your underwear.
Perhaps there's a slim chance I could make a warrior out of you
"Well, practice makes perfect, and I have been practicing." Joxer
was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on speaking as
Ares' finger began circling around one of his nipples. Gods, but
Ares looked good. He always looked good. Joxer couldn't hold back,
not after all the time that had passed since Ares had last come
to him. He reached up to touch the god's face, the warmth spreading
through his body only growing more intense as his light caress
brought a smile to Ares' lips.
He ran his hand along one cheek, then lowered it, unable to resist
the temptation of that delicious chest he knew he could spend hours
touching and exploring if given the chance. Joxer tugged irritably at
Ares' vest as the god stood before him completely clothed and
noted, "You have me at a bit of a disadvantage here."
"Always, lover," Ares answered him, before finally pulling the
eager man against him for a kiss Joxer had been dreaming about for
* * * * *
"Xena, I think it's clean, all right? That was days ago."
The warrior princess cast Gabrielle a wary glance and reluctantly
pulled the edge of her chakram out of the campfire. She still couldn't
touch the weapon without remembering Gabrielle using it to scratch her
fungus, and just the thought made it difficult for her to handle the
blade anymore. She put the chakram down and went back to
stirring the soup-pot that sat over the flames. Gabrielle walked over
and studied the bubbling soup critically. "How much longer 'till it's
ready? I'm hungry."
"A little while. The potatoes aren't cooked through yet."
Gabrielle sighed and said, "Well then, I'm going to head over to
that lake and wash out some of my clothes and round up Joxer for
dinner." With that she grabbed her bag and took off.
Xena waited a minute or so, until she could no longer hear
Gabrielle's feet crunching along over the rocks and branches on the
ground, before reaching for her chakram and sticking it back into the
One of these days I'll teach her to quit using my things
* * * * *
It's so nice to be done with swampland, fungus, nasty warlords
and jealous horses for a while, Gabrielle thought happily to
herself. And to be able to talk again without slobbering all over
She was certain someone on Olympus had been having a
good laugh at her and Xena's expense these past few days. No one
suffered through that much bad luck and misery purely by
accident--with or without Joxer around.
Gabrielle paused as she heard a loud sound echoing through the
woods, somewhere up ahead of her. It hadn't sounded like a
wild animal to her ears, not even another possessed rabbit. After
several minutes with no further sounds except the chirping of birds
and the wind rustling the leaves of the trees around her, she
dismissed the noise, figuring she'd probably just imagined it. Since
the rest of her body had been acting up in the most peculiar,
disgusting, and annoying ways this week, why shouldn't her
hearing start to go as well?
As she started walking, she heard the noise again.
It was louder this time, loud enough that she recognized the source.
Joxer, definitely. She'd heard him crying out in pain enough times
before to recognize his particular repertoire of moans and groans.
But there was something about it that sounded just a little off to her,
not quite the same note of pain to it as she was used to hearing.
Maybe he wasn't as finished with that stomach flu as he'd been
claiming he was. She and Xena had both made some pretty interesting
noises of their own while they'd been fighting it off. She
wondered if she should head back to camp and leave him a little
privacy or whether he might be in need of assistance.
After all, she did have one spare blank scroll left in her bag.
"Oooh yeah, oh...don't stop...don't...OH!"
Hmm...I think turning back is the best course of action. I really
don't think I want to know what's happening there.
In fact she was just turning around to head back to camp, to save
taking care of her dirty laundry until later, when she heard one
last cry that caught her attention:
"Oh, Ares! Ares!"
A part of her mind told her she should surely stay away and pretend
she'd never heard a thing.
But another part said, Yeah, but the curiosity is going to kill
me if I don't have a look!
* * * * *
Ares paused for a moment, his senses picking up the signature
presence of another approaching them. Tartarus, I forgot to shield
us, he realized, and he was a little too involved in his current
activity to focus his energies properly to do so now.
He'd known Xena and Gabrielle were nearby, but he'd forgotten
how vocal Joxer could be when properly...stimulated.
He was almost ready to stop when a wicked thought crossed his
mind. It has been so much fun watching Xena and the little bard
suffer all week, why not end things with a real...bang, he
considered, his lips curling in a lewd smile at the thought.
Joxer's unfocused eyes looked up at him curiously and he felt the
mortal's concern over his sudden pause. Concern and a definite hint
"Why did you stop?"
"Nothing to worry about," Ares assured him, closing his eyes and
losing himself once more in the warmth depths of Joxer's sweet
* * * * *
Gabrielle couldn't believe her eyes.
I'm hallucinating, right? In fact, I think this whole week has simply
been one long, never-ending nightmare.
After all, sweet little bunnies don't suddenly sprout fangs and
Joxer doesn't get called a hero and get rewarded with hundreds of
dinars for doing nothing but dragging us along and giving everyone
And Joxer definitely doesn't get blowjobs from Ares while Xena
and I aren't looking. Or let Ares...like he'd been doing when I
Well, I suppose it would explain why he doesn't seem capable
of walking straight half the time.
No, she tried to reassure herself, blinking her eyes repeatedly
although the action did nothing to dissolve away the bizarre scene she
was observing from her hiding place in the shrubbery. This is
absolutely not happening.
But it is kind of...interesting, I guess...for a fantasy. Or
dream. Or whatever is going on. Ares does have a nice ass...and
those lips...and that...oh my...
Licking her lips, she decided to stay for a while and see what else
her overly active and obviously hallucinating mind would treat her to
before the day was done.
* * * * *
Joxer lay on the grass, a blissful smile on his swollen lips.
The god of war kissed him one last time before standing and
summoning both of their clothes back once again.
"As always, it's been fun."
"Mmm hmm," was about all Joxer could manage.
"I hate to fuck and run, but, well, I am a busy god. Stop by the
temple in a couple weeks; if I'm finished with some business in
Corinth by then, well...perhaps you can show me if you've learned
any other new moves since last time."
"Mmm, I'll do that..." Joxer answered with a drowsy yawn, feeling
an ache of regret as the god then disappeared in a burst of flames.
But regret faded quickly as he started drifting off into some
much-needed sleep while contemplating Ares' invitation.
Yeah, Xena and Gabby, they'd just have to take care of themselves
for a while. When Ares made an offer like that, he wasn't one to
refuse. He supposed the girls would somehow manage without
* * * * *
Xena looked up and grumbled at Gabrielle, "Where have you been?
I thought you were hungry."
"Oh, I kind of was...distracted," the bard replied.
"Then you're not hungry any longer? This came out better than
Joxer's idea of soup, that's for certain."
"I'm hungry all right," Gabrielle purred with a sparkle in her eyes
the warrior princess hadn't seen for several days. "But soup can
wait for later."
"What about Joxer?" Xena protested weakly as the lovely (now that
she was fungus-free once more) Amazon took away her soup bowl
and pushed her down onto the ground.
"Trust me, Joxer is rather...indisposed at the moment."
"Do I want to know?"
"Definitely not," Gabrielle assured her, before silencing her
lover's mouth by covering it with her own.
* end *